The Seven Emotional Needs of Humans

by Mike Foster

All of us carry a primal question that gets imprinted on our childhood, and the problem with the primal question is that most of us don’t realize that we actually have one. If we don’t know that we have one, we also don’t understand how it’s actually influencing us. 

With the primal question also comes this incredible superpower that you may not be aware of that you can utilize in relationships in a very profound way. When we attune to the primal question, we can have better connections with each other. 

Several years ago, I was at a staff meeting with a pastor and the people on his leadership executive team. The church had an average attendance of 30,000 people every weekend, so they were considered a big deal. I was just participating as an onlooker and watching the dynamics in the room. Of course, he is very gifted and talented, but as I noticed a few strange things it led me to later ask him one question that evening at dinner.

“What drives you?” 

He looked at me like a deer caught in headlights, and he really struggled with answering that question. He was very confused and, honestly, maybe even a bit threatened. 

Fast forward three years and he has a complete meltdown. He is no longer at the church, and both the church and his family suffered immensely. I believe he got to that place because he never considered what was driving his life. 

He never asked questions like, 

“Why is success so important to me?”

“Why is being wanted so important to me?” 

“Why is having a church that impacts the community so important to me?” 

He didn’t understand what was fundamentally driving him. 

As leaders, it’s so important for us to understand the answers to these questions because when we understand what is driving us can begin to no longer be controlled by some boogeyman that lives deep inside of us, typically formulated by our wounds, trauma, and messy past or painful childhood. We can actually move from living our lives as wounded kids to operating as healthy mature adults. 

Unmet needs drive behavior. 

And we carry unanswered questions from childhood as adults. 

Basically, we get imprinted with a primal question in our early childhood when our parents or caretakers fail to adequately answer this question for us. Of course, we aren’t verbally asking the question, but we are subconsciously carrying this question. 

When the world answers our primal question with a yes, life is good. 

But when our world answers our primal question with a no or maybe, we scramble–all of the dysfunctional things we do to force the answer back to a yes. 

People  pleasing,  

self-abandonment,  

overworking,  

responsibility,  

codependency . . . 

All the things that we have figured out as human beings to get our primal questions answered with a yes. Fundamentally, we are just abandoning ourselves. 

This question impacts our leadership, how we see the world, our relationships, and even our spiritual growth. To not understand our primal question is a liability. 

So, what are the seven questions? 

1. Am I safe? 

When a child isn’t physically or emotionally safe, as an adult, their whole strategy for navigating life is getting and staying safe. Their core fear is feeling trapped or in danger. So, they become incredible at risk management and are often hypervigilant.

With each primal question comes a primal gift because we tend to assume everyone else is asking the same question as us. So, people who are primarily concerned with safety tend to make everyone else feel safe. 

2. Am I secure? 

This is about the need to feel financial and relational security, and the kryptonite for this person is financial instability or surprise. People who have this primal question will often overwork themselves and, even if they build wealth be in constant fear of financial hardship. That’s because they grew up in a home with financial insecurity, and because of that, they are always wondering if they have enough. 

3. Am I loved? 

This is the need to feel known, seen, and emotionally attached. The core fear is being dismissed, unheard, and unseen, so their kryptonite is indifference. It’s essential to respond to people with this primal question by being a good listener and giving them quality time. 

4. Am I wanted? 

Often someone with this primal question experienced rejection as a child, so they need to feel accepted and pursued. They need to belong. Their kryptonite is rejection, and their superpower is inclusion. They have the incredible ability to make everyone feel lik their best friend. 

5. Am I successful? 

Typically, people with this primal question grew up in competitive environments and they always felt like they had to perform and measure up. Because of that, they need to win, contribute, and have status. Their core fear is being seen as incompetent or experiencing failure. These people make great entrepreneurs and coaches because they have studied how to succeed and know how to help other people be successful. 

6. Am I good enough? 

This is the need to be valued and affirmed for who they are. Their core fear is being seen as flawed or imperfect, and their kryptonite is criticism. People with this primal question tend to be perfectionistic and care a lot about how they are perceived. Because of that, they tend to either be wallflowers and withhold themselves from the world or work really hard to curate how people perceive them. They tend to be either insecure or narcissistic. 

7. Do I have purpose? 

Many people who have this primal question grew up in religious families. The talk of doing something great for God, changing the world, being a good global citizen, and making an impact was really impactful. However, it was never clear to them how to have a purpose. Then, as an adult in a normal nine-to-five job, this question becomes overwhelming. Their kryptonite is working on things that don’t matter.  

All of these questions affect how we disciple the people in our churches. For instance, if you are a communicator, many of your messages will focus on people being welcomed and accepted if your primal question is, “Am I wanted?” Whereas, if your primal question is related to purpose, your messages will often be about making a difference. It’s important to note that there are people in your audience who have different primal questions than you, so you need to consider how you can speak to their questions more effectively. 

This affects how we lead our teams, as often, people will not buy into our vision for the church or be able to lead at their highest capacity if their primal question isn’t answered. For instance, if someone’s primal question is safety, but you constantly answer that question with a yes or no, instead of spending their energy excelling in their role, they are spending a lot of time protecting themselves and looking out for risks. 

Of course, being mindful of everyone’s primal questions shapes how we communicate, lead, and love the people around us well, but knowing our own primal questions has the potential to accelerate our personal growth. If you want to learn more about your primal question, check out the free assessment and purchase the book The Seven Primal Questions today!